How To...
Become an Emu
1) The absolute essential tool of an emu is: the razor blade.
If devoid of this essential useful item, knives will do. Other substitutes include scissors, penknives, compasses, sharpened pencils, sharpened fingernails, Pinocchio's nose, hell, anything remotely sharp will do. Emus MUST cut. Themselves. Or someone else. Someone who is preferably human. Or not. Anything. Just cut.
2) Hate your life. And everyone elses. Emus must never feel even an ounce of joy. Or else they will be labelled as a wannabe emu. Emus don't smile, and never show their teeth. I am beginning to wonder whether the reason for this is because they own a full set of rotting teeth.
3) Listen to emu music. This just consists of wannabe emusicians singing, screaming, or squaking about how fucking angry and dejected they are. Basically, this just means boasting about their apparent non-conformism and yes, their emuness. Real emus however, do not need to prove their emuness to the world. They know they're emu because, well, they're born emu. Nevertheless, examples of emu music include Linkin' Peck and Panic at the Discount store. The most emu music of them all however, is Britney Spears. Emus love Britney.
4) Dress according to the emu code: Black. If caught wearing another colour by a fellow emu, you WILL be branded as a rainbow emu, the ultimate blood traitor of the emu code. Minimum amounts of red are permitted to be worn only on special occasions. Fingernails as well as toe nails, as well as iron nails should be painted black. An emu should at least have 666 piercings on their body, and 666 tattoos. Eye-makeup is a must. Tons of mascara and eyeline should be applied. Especially for guys. Emus should never show their eyes to anybody. It is rumoured that if you look into an emu's eyes, you will see your dark and bleak future. As a rule, most emus cover up their eyes with a long, black, oily fringe.
5) Drop out of school and take drugs. This will give you the transparent look in your eyes that you've been longing to achieve. Drugs will also give you an outlet for all the anger and unhappiness trapped within your tarnished soul. Furthermore, withdrawl symptoms from the drugs may cause acute pain and suffering. If this is the case, feel free to take some more. There's nothing like drug-induced martyrdom to prove true emuness.
6) Lastly, it is advised not to confuse an emu with an emo, as the emu would be deeply offended. An emu is an angsty teen with a fake personality, while an emo is a large, flightless, ratite bird of Australia, resembling the ostrich but smaller and having a feathered head and neck and rudimentary wings. (Courtesy of dictionary.com)
Posted by Ky...the unaccomplished speller =]
Become an Emu
1) The absolute essential tool of an emu is: the razor blade.
If devoid of this essential useful item, knives will do. Other substitutes include scissors, penknives, compasses, sharpened pencils, sharpened fingernails, Pinocchio's nose, hell, anything remotely sharp will do. Emus MUST cut. Themselves. Or someone else. Someone who is preferably human. Or not. Anything. Just cut.
2) Hate your life. And everyone elses. Emus must never feel even an ounce of joy. Or else they will be labelled as a wannabe emu. Emus don't smile, and never show their teeth. I am beginning to wonder whether the reason for this is because they own a full set of rotting teeth.
3) Listen to emu music. This just consists of wannabe emusicians singing, screaming, or squaking about how fucking angry and dejected they are. Basically, this just means boasting about their apparent non-conformism and yes, their emuness. Real emus however, do not need to prove their emuness to the world. They know they're emu because, well, they're born emu. Nevertheless, examples of emu music include Linkin' Peck and Panic at the Discount store. The most emu music of them all however, is Britney Spears. Emus love Britney.
4) Dress according to the emu code: Black. If caught wearing another colour by a fellow emu, you WILL be branded as a rainbow emu, the ultimate blood traitor of the emu code. Minimum amounts of red are permitted to be worn only on special occasions. Fingernails as well as toe nails, as well as iron nails should be painted black. An emu should at least have 666 piercings on their body, and 666 tattoos. Eye-makeup is a must. Tons of mascara and eyeline should be applied. Especially for guys. Emus should never show their eyes to anybody. It is rumoured that if you look into an emu's eyes, you will see your dark and bleak future. As a rule, most emus cover up their eyes with a long, black, oily fringe.
5) Drop out of school and take drugs. This will give you the transparent look in your eyes that you've been longing to achieve. Drugs will also give you an outlet for all the anger and unhappiness trapped within your tarnished soul. Furthermore, withdrawl symptoms from the drugs may cause acute pain and suffering. If this is the case, feel free to take some more. There's nothing like drug-induced martyrdom to prove true emuness.
6) Lastly, it is advised not to confuse an emu with an emo, as the emu would be deeply offended. An emu is an angsty teen with a fake personality, while an emo is a large, flightless, ratite bird of Australia, resembling the ostrich but smaller and having a feathered head and neck and rudimentary wings. (Courtesy of dictionary.com)
Posted by Ky...the unaccomplished speller =]
posted by Ky at
7:20 PM
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